aparigraha

My younger self has saved me multiple times. Every single time I decided to stay with my thoughts and emotions and digest them and understand them, it has been an act of rebellion against the superficiality of society.

That is not to say I am perfect. I've struggled with porn because my body likes that it helps me soothe my anxiety, probably undiagnosed ADHD and my intense self hatred for maybe 7 years now. I fall and fall and fall again. It was why I was and am terribly afraid of substances.

There is a beautiful perspective on life inside me. Every time someone succeeds in a way that makes me curse my circumstances or consider selling out, Every time the way I think hurts me instead of helping me, मैं  उसे कोसता हूँ । It seems to me like the world is telling me that there's no space for you here. Why not optimize yourself? Why not be a superficial asshole, or an intellectual masturbator?

And yet there's a ray of truth that has spoken to me even in those nights spent alone going insane.

Every exam I fucked that made me doubt my own and society's perspective of me.

Every time I was too weak to battle my urges.

Every time I wasn't able to focus on the truth.

These are all reminders.

My insecurities being triggered at my closest friends successes and the swarm of self-hatred and ego breaking that came with it.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?

It's a narrow peak to mastery. And you better believe your fucking name is written on it.

Every time you keep clarity instead of lying to yourself, You are like Yudhistir climbing up the mountain.

To the very echelons of human potential.

It seems hollow to proclaim that, because I've been too distracted in my existence.

But that's really the only lesson life has taught me.

The truth is in not the torrential downpour, the anxiety, the insecurity. It's in the Tapas, the Aparigraha.
A quiet climb towards mastery.

This writing is shit and cope.

My mind is not ready to accept the fact that I didn't know what I wanted.

There can be no human experience in those depths of yourself, because their very presence will pollute you.

My truth has been to continue dancing long after most would have given up. Passionately and obsessively.

I'm the dumbest smart person.

And yet it sometimes slows down too.

There is a way to slow down and thread the needle.

And we build of course for the day we fly.

Everyday I try to fly.

because I know I belong in the sky.

even if I fall.

It doesn't make me small.

building without celebration.

success without grasping.

There is no failure in a series of experiments.