hysteria (midnight)

 Welcome to Midnight Hysteria. Not my Poetry blog but rather the feeling, or the state of frenzy it was meant to express. 

There's a restlessness that resides within me. It is a feeling I felt again today after a long time. the product of a mediocre, aimless day, powerful philosophical ideas, a lack of self control over my hedonic pathways, a self deception about the consequences of my actions that couples together into an amazing cocktail of artistry, self-hatred and romanticization. 

Each motion of my thought is so rigid it threatens to choke me. Yet the creative self destruction, the tribute to which is every drop of happiness in my neural circuits is crying so hard for expression that it just cannot be compromized with. 

In the friction of these two opposites, are published incredibly self aware, bittery sarcastic, utterly pretentious streams of thought. I find it disgusting honestly, yet I find it impossible to not express them. 

The charcter of my philosophical thinking by its essence prohibits me from writing what I feel is bullshit. Yet I don't have an original way of thinking anyway. 

Today i met some toxic old friends I had connections with (hegel). 

I have tried reading hegel for the greed of prescriptionizing his understanding for around 4 years. And yet the dialectic by its very nature escapes such a systematization.The progressivity in hegel (and marx as well really) is the attempt and the ability to change. 

Thr spiritual world says that the first moment (a moment of pure awareness without any thought to think about itself is the truth. But if I had to truly think for myself I would have to imagine that too with the scalpel of experience. Would we realise that that too is not true. There is no goal. There is simply nothing. 

I have been romanticizing an idea of freedom - freedom by accepting movement - but really there is no movement dynamic enough to capture the essence of freedom. I want to be a good drummer, a sharp thinker, self-sufficient, individuated. But here I see at the very bottom depth - the societal ruining in all these notions. 

हमारी आत्मा का कोई भी perspective is manifestly arbitrary from the start. There's an insipidity at the bottom of it all. Anything I want to be is based on societal conceptions and a non-acceptance of myself. And even that here becomes a reason जो मुझे अपने आप से दूर करता है।

I can't write any prescription here. Each word uttered rings untrue in the very next dynamic moment. How I wish I could embed it all in a symplectic manifold and watch the phase space trajectories converge. 

That is my experience of time. Not through some german Nazi's writing will I ever be able to understand की लय का मेरी ज़िंदगी में क्या महत्व है । 

I've used philosophy as a bludgeon to force myself to aestheticize my perception of life itself. And when that goes, there is a real emptiness that follows. What even does it mean to not observe through categories that I have become used to observing? 

By utilizing words deeper than I embody, I'm able to talk deeper than an experience I embody. 

What is my language? Is it a 4/4 rock pattern on the drums? Drills in football that never quite fully translate to game performance? Writing that never details into a philosophical enquiry?

The truth is, I'm pretty mediocre. There's no language to ground that mediocritty. Every phrase in our vocabulary has been tainted by the flippant aestheticism of Manas. 

As my brain grasps more and more for a ground for itself, I am reminded of Yoga's insistence of Non-grasipng. My brain argues that it's not a should of course but that is not how it is interpreted. In being a non-grasper, I would be good, I would be a qualified student, probably scheduled for enlightenment in the next 30000 births. 

But I'm not. If there's anything that defines me, it's this impulsivity. It's this midnight hysteria. It's this bullshit radar that just doesn't give up. And has never quite had enough. This is the progressive character in the writings of hegel and marx. It's the विवेक mentioned in upanishads. 

My body is not quite built to embody this. And that there is another rejection. What defines me is this constant rejection. This constant pulling back from life. 

It's what makes me have fun and feel in control all the time. Like she's coming at me with the speed I want to decide. It's a violation of the feminine. I'm a dumb chauvinist in this undersatnding of relationship dynamics. I don't really like talking to too much new people. Or people in general. They make my trauma, health and bullshit radars go crazy. 

This whole blogpost one day before exam doesn't really help anything. But I would like to meet myself one day ASAP.