giving it all to the paper

I am not a god.
I was manipulative as a kid. I had traits of sociopathy, traits of ADHD. Traits of whatever the fuckness.
so many people have tried to make me feel shit for not gaming the system. With my looks, with manipulation, with sycophancy. 

Humans like power. But there is something I learnt from throwing away a seemingly perfect relationship because of my romanticization with it.
I am finally going to stop trying, to take from life.
I'm going to stop feeling wronged.
Whatever life gave me, a household with domestic violence and (self-minimized) slight physical abuse. Loneliness, rejection, I have transmuted it.
And for that I am proud.

I fucked up Kimaya, I really did. I threw it away and ruined it. And whatever the fuck people are going to say doesn't really matter.
I've heard you out, I've apologised until I couldn't anymore, I've been slapped viciously as a nice reminder of my childhood, I've felt your righteous anger, I've seen the posts you made demeaning me and the sycophancy of those around.

And yet even today's stumble is just another part of the journey for me. 
The reaction showed me that my heart was not in the right place. 
The other people involved in this triangle needed these things. They needed xanax, and they needed friends.
I need friends too.

But today when I was crying in the bed at 5:08 with my legs shaking uncontrollably with anxiety and I decided to still put my jersey on and go to the field, to give it my all, I made myself proud.
When I played with intensity and scored two goals, When I was sent flying with a slide tackle and i still decided to get up in that moment and press, I made myself proud. 

And there's days I don't make myself proud. When I make myself sad and shameful. I am going to hold that child's space with grace now, or rather I'll try. To take care of myself and be compassionate.

I made a mistake. I'm not a bad person, I'm just a human. 
I don't care about being better now. Fuck that shit. That is what made it so easy for me to be manipulated. That is how they tempt you.

Don't you want a taste of the dark side? Don't you want power to twist people and get what you want?
Who doesn't?

This is a reminder.
You are not better for coping with life the way you do.
Yet you are lovable for coping with life the way you do. 

There is a tenderness to holding yourself like that.
Like, you're so fucking cool buddy.

I don't want to hurt people. And I know I'm only human.

I can't chase experiences, I can't change myself to chase power.
I just cannot. 

Yet the things I love, I need to murder with a fucking passion.
I need to fight like a dog for every ball.
I need to push every last fucking rep.

I need to mine every thought and obsessively understand. 
I need to imagine harder till my ribs can't hold the breath it takes for me to think.

There is nothing to hold back from life.
I feel shameful, and apologetic towards all the people I have dissapppointed.
They may come around. Or they may not.
They may pass snarky comments.

But I'm just human. 

I want to be away from people for some time.
In music, and in my body, and in my thought.

Perhaps thats the only way I will be delivered.
I've hurt a lot of people, and therefore I know its time to finally pack it up.

Move up to a mountain cottage in the inside of my brain.

Perhaps there will be a day where there comes soft rains.
Perhaps there will be a day where after the glacier and my tapasya that burned in the glacier a flower can bloom in that fertile ground. 

Perhaps a mechnical contraption will be left behind in my wake with my corpse burned into a discreet wall. 
A reminder for any travellers that decide to take my journey that they were not alone.

Or maybe one day I'll see a traveller come in my direction and my heart will feel a tender desire to hold them through the journey of their life again.

I am sorry to the world and its people.
and I am grateful to those that have heard me out and let me learn.
And I do not want much more from it.

I simply want to create and give my all to life.
I hope god will bless me enough to perform excellence in action.

Yoga karmasu Kausalam
Namaste.

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