Apathetic

 Why are there aspects of my life in which I continue to be apathetic and indifferent?

I know that movement is life and stagnation is death, not as an intellectual observation, but as a fact. Then what is it that allows me to continue to be deluded about these aspects?

Is it because the pain is too much to bear? Since the human organism has a tendency to adjust to any stimulus, one can condition themselves to the bitter truth - the croaking of the ugly frog from Mandukya Upanishad. In the pleasure of violation by the sheer bitterness of truth, there is no reprieve though. 

Even though I tell you, that I am open to any truth you may tell me about. That I shall accept it with gratitude if it aligns with my sense of viveka - the process is brutish. Like maximizing for an extremely simple objective instead of the high dimensional masterpiece we inhabit.

No, the pursuit is still insincere. There is still much further to go. It is a seduction of your own ego into the Brilliance of Brahman. A simple reading of the facts simply cannot get you anywhere. There is love still in the naive child's urge to drink as much truth as he can. There is sincerity there, but there is also hurt. Only when they realise that there is no one to be hurt, no one to do the hurting. Again these are intellectual abstractions for I have not digested the truth of their ramifications. 

The truth really is the only thing that works, and now it perhaps appears as a buzzword, as a replication of the other many words we bastardize - Love, God. Even more sincerity is required, the childlike smile on Krishnamurti's lips perhaps, the glint of his eyes as he let the truth work through him. The love to understand even more deeply, the perfection of what we have been gifted with- to refine perception even further - That is swadhyaya. 

My mind goes blank and drowsy as I write this - it is hard to maintain this intense clarity. But why is there an urge for it to be maintained. I simply do not have the energy for this. What is stopping me?