pure freedom: (Functional Integration on my mind #3)

This is an expopsition of an internal dialogue (again following a feldenkrais approach, exploring around in the realm of thought that is comfortable to me and trying to expand further.)

Axiom: You should be dedicated to perfection or truth in whatever activity you pursue. 

Justification: If this were not true, why are you doing anything in the first place. Life is meaningless and you can probably just kill yourself and nothing would change. 

It's not like anything is going to change either way. Is there intrinsic moral worth to pursuing perfection in each action?

No, even that is not true. If you think there is a moral worth assigned to this action then you are getting the pleasure of slave morality. Of imposing on others what you cannot live by yourself.

It is not "good" to pursue perfection, a creative and subtle path through life. It is simply the only effective path. That is a stronger claim than what I believe to be true. There is some degree of tolerance, an epsilon in the topological entropy of this dynamical system moving through its state space. 

People say you should be compassionate towards yourself during these periods of stagnation to allow yourself to correct yourself. Again that is inconsistent. If perfection really was my goal then an abusive manipulative teacher who could gaslight you into perfection like Fletcher from whiplash really would be the best Guru I could have. 

But really, there is no one who can be that light for me. For in surrendering to another that responsibility I have already compromised my freedom, defiling it forever. No, self compassion, to the degree that it is necessary, and not a narcisstic assuaging of the bitterness of reality is something you obtain on the way itself. 

There is nothing to do. No one you have to become. The part of you that instantly retorts in anxious revolt to this proclamation is itself the insecurity that doesn't want its truth outed; it's fake. In the fire of truth only love, truth and bliss remain. Pure knowledge. 

Rather, there is no one you can become who you are not already in the process of becoming. Perhaps reading this or something else can awaken and put you in touch with the parts of you that are hiding the truth. 

You are force and light, assembling and reconstituting the world around itself. No romanticization. 

The above realisations are scary, yet they imbue us with a slave's freedom. All we really can do in life is love; to let the divine feminine reveal itself to us more and more. There really is no obstacle. The question to ask is not how to become something, but rather why am I not already some thing. And the genuine answer to that question is almost always because you don't really want it.

 

And that is fine, to not want something. As much as our dystopian late capitalist landscape advises you against it. Narcissism is the only sacred cow we are afraid of killing. The only one not invited to this party is a sane human being, not needing validation, conspiracy, controversy, posessions or anything attached to fall in love with his ego. 

These things; our appearances, posessions, people's judgements - These are the fangs to the snake of our egos. Defang them and you have nothing. Are you okay with being nothing? being no one in life. Not being remembered by your family, your friends and having spent your life alone with no historical book to remember you, no piece of art to celebrate you? Perhaps I am being hypocritical as I write this. But it seems to me that it is this state we fear today more than even death. For there is drama, tragedy and chattering even in death. But in the serene silence of perfection, all our delusions are delivered. 

Nobody has to tell me to write. And by focusing this on myself I have again begun the movement of narcissism. If you love something, you give care to it. You don't ask how to do something, You don't shy away from spending time. You genuinely want to be with that, in that state of mind. It is this easy goingness and spontaneous expansion that I point to. My brain is still afraid of a lack of intensity; What would happen if I am not truthful enough. I am perhaps too afraid to trust myself fully today; I still need mechanical prescriptive reminders to stay awake to reality. But it appears possible to me to expand into that love. A movement so intense that it simply leaves no excess energy for wondering otherwise and no questions about the majesty of its perfection. 

That is what we have the oppurtunity to move towards. It is fine to remain caught up in our daily fires; The relationships, the gossip the job oppurtunity. But there is an oppurtunity cost to everything and you have only one life. I can tell you that it is shameful for you to have spent it trivially, but that again becomes a prescriptive ideal for you to live towards. But that really is all there is to it. Nobody is coming to save you, nor will they come and beat you up. Perhaps if you do something illegal they might, but it is perfectly normal to live a mediocre existence. My language is poisoned to inspire hate in you for that very word; "How can I be mediocre?". Do your actions align with this belief?

If you are content with the neediness, superficiality, violence and absolute horrors that go into what we call relatoinships today. The absolute alienation and lack of purpose we call a job today. The absolute numbness, stiffness or stagnation we call health and fitness today. There is really no one who will say anything to you. You are well adjusted to this society. Even though I am biased to spew bitterness to you, the truth is that you would enjoy more a life lived this way than I would if I spent it telling you how you are wrong. 

My brain, in its inecessant attempts to assign meanings to the garble of stimuli I see, puts my ego in a hierarchy. At the top of this hierarchy, for pursuing the truth. But there is no hierarchy. It is like a confluence of the postmodern disbelief of metanarratives and the resurgent jungian ideal of convergence of our collective maps of meaning. Do I follow the path the truth creates for me because it makes me more effective? In saying that I have already veered of. The truth is, I have no idea whether my path is correct and it will lead me to arrive at truth. The truth is, that I am desperate for truth. Impatience with input, patience with the outputs. 

I don't know where the path will take me, yet I know what lines are not the truth for me. Whether my pursuit was effective or not will be determined only with time. But rather, that is not true either. The fact is, I simply do not have an alternate choice if I have to move through my life with integrity. And I value this integrity and freedom more than any money I can make. There is fear in that sentence, for its implications about how I must live my life are immense. The fact is that I want money too. Yet that genuine desire does not compromize my integrity. It would if I said I did not want it and then let it guide my actions anyway. 

The isolate-improvise-integrate as a methodology can be applied to moments of our collective psyche. We can take apart parts of our thought process, think them through a bit deeper and then integrate it into our lifestyle again. What remains unchanging behind is the observer. The Sakshi.

We are all teachers and learners sometimes. And I too am that. That is how I have my integrity. A wandering salesman. I have nothing to sell you. Or perhaps I do. But I shall only sell to you so that I have enough to satisfy my need. And in my genuine explorations of different cultures - not of land but of our collective psyches - these are lines of flight and territories in a Deleuzian sense- I have brought back wares, art styles, languages mannerisms that I am excited to share with you. That is the charm of a nomad, a creative.

 

Is this process pedestalizing a certain archetype of mind over the others? I like Brandon Sanderson's concept of HOID. In being this nomad across different axes of our psyche we have already been every other archetype. Everything else is just a repetition. Or perhaps this archetype may itself be described in the richness of others? There is an immense depth of knowledge here, which lurks beneath my psyche yet I am not able to unearth it. 

Is a nomad a repetition of a ruler? The nomad has already been to the land and ruled far and wide, yet he comes back as the everyman to sell his wares and tell of a different people. He is a wizard and a sage with an aura of mysteriosness. An erratic lover. Can the reverse of this interpretation be made? Perhaps, a nomad is just a ruler in another kingdom, following with his sense of regality and presence even without the crown to bestow him his power. His charisma and passion are not drawn from people's libidinal investment in a symbol but rather of intrinsic authority.

 

This romanticizes the nomad again, instead of the ruler. And now I am pushing up against the limits of my own thought. 

(I am deeply grateful if you have managed to read this far. I hope it may have sparked some insight.)

Namaste.