Problem Solving and Ambition

 Hello again and to a 4 AM rant. I should probably wait and formulate my opinions on this topic in detail but thinking about this has left me with this sense of urgency, telling me that if I do not write about this now, I probably will forget about this idea. So without further ado

My conception of problem solving

To give an analogy, my conception of problem solving is like jumping over a hole in the ground. The harder the problem, the longer the jump. Between this end and that end of the problem, there is always that jump one has to take without thinking, for thinking itself enters new territory. As we solve harder and harder problems, the length of this hole keeps growing. For optimal growth we must confront problems which we do not know whether we can solve. If you truly do not know whether you can solve a problem or not, you do not waste time thinking about what if you can't and what if you do; you can devote yourself and your whole attention sincerely to a problem.

The Process

On this side of the chasm of a problem is the movement of despair, of negligence; We all know that sinking feeling when we are unable to solve a problem, when we start questioning everything we know, or stop caring enough about the problem to continue to devote ourselves to it. Since the problems we encounter in life have been solved by other human beings for the most part, what problems are really teaching us about is the potentiality we can bring to fruition by our action. On the other side of the problem is the movement of order, of resolving things; the true solution of the problem comes about in the moment we give it our whole attention- what comes afterwards is nothing but the continuing unfoldment of the seed of the solution. This still requires continued care for it's proper unfoldment, because unfoldment is a rather scary process. The unfoldment of reason is like an exponential function that keeps compounding further and further until at one point the fear we get from apprehending it overpowers the movement and our ego breaks out from it (by utilizing the biological processes of self preservation). This fear is real contrivance and overconfidence in the ego, which we all have to some degree. Humility which is advertised as a virtue by people is not a virtue in itself; what is the point of humility without having experienced for yourself what truly puts you in your place, and how insignificant (yet necessary) you are in comparison to it? Radical humility is courage in the face of unfolding of reason. 

What brought me to this line of thought

My relationship with mathematics (or in the terms of Krishnamurti would say, the absence of any relationship). You see, where I live (and in many other parts of the world) being good at math is synonymous, or is at least one of the things correlated by being "smart" as society would say. There are immense social incentives to make you want to be good at math for all of us- you will do better at examinations, you'll get into better colleges which will probably land you a better job so you'll feel safer about life etc. For a long time, until even high school, there isn't too much difference between the two urges i.e- wanting to want to be good at math and wanting to be good at math. Though it is rather personal to admit to this hypocrisy (pretty much no one reads this blog anyway tho), somewhere along the way in my life I got (like most people around me) addicted to the feeling of validation from others. I liked being called "smart" by them. 

All this was torn apart when I continued with this same mindset into Olympiads. Winning an Olympiad can be in a sense an ultimate ego trip (which is probably what I was after), but this was me lying to myself about my passion for the subject. I would learn obscure knowledge (which was something I genuinely enjoyed) but when it came to problem solving it was something I genuinely began to hate. Each new problem became a challenge to my ego. Each compliment that you receive and accept builds up the hurt for when your ego is inevitably torn down by future events. This is why truly amazing results can only come about as a byproduct of pursuing mastery in a discipline. Each problem I solved built up my ego (because I was negligent) and each problem I failed to solve destroyed me. I became deathly afraid of confronting problems as they of course, kept getting harder and harder. I would feel anxious about problems I would probably be unable to solve. Long story short, after doing well till one stage, I did terrible.

In the aftermath of this, I became rather alienated from math and especially confronting hard problems. There are hundreds of thousands of math books that can hold your hand and teach you concepts with exercises instead of problems as Paul Zeitz distinguishes in his book. When I was really honest about it, I realized that I liked that, or rather I had come to like that. If I never needed to truly be the best at math, then in the circle of knowledge already mapped out by many people, there could be many books which would drill down concepts in my head with easier exercises. I wondered whether I could start over again, learning to love jumping over those holes, to fall in love with the process truly so that it wouldn't matter when they got bigger, and this is where I am at now. 

A Word on Ambition

When I wrote down the last paragraph, I perceived that it might come off as defeatist or in the tone of someone who has given up, but really it is not that movement at all. When I say that "I never truly need to be the X" its tone is interpreted in society as a lack of ambition (probably because society tries to sell us other people's desires as prescriptions) but the movement here is totally different. You see, I truly do not care about how far I go. In my engagement with a discipline, I may become the best in the world at it, or I may be below average ,but I simply do not pay attention to this. What I care about is giving it my all. 

This is the difference between desire and love. In the movement of desire itself there is a fear of the ending of desire. In ambition which is the desire for success, there is a fear of failure. Desires give us security but also make us negligent to what happens in this moment as our attention becomes directed towards the fear or the need for continuation of the desire. I am so good today, will I be this good tomorrow? How? What if I am not? I should have done that and so on. If you truly love something, then there is no need to be worried. If you truly give life your all and live genuinely, do you really think you will *fail*? Even if you do fail in that manner, would you have really lost anything? And if you do not live like that, then what would be the point of anything you gained?

There was more I wanted to write about but I forgot so I will probably save that for another post.